Polyamory: In Fear of Intimacy

In the past 13 years of monogamous marriage, like most, I have had a few occasions on which some rather innocuous flirtation resulted in the potential for more than giggles, googly eyes and secret thoughts. However, I've always had to ask myself why I would want to initiate another intimate/sexual relationship when I have enough problems with the one I'm currently in.

This is why I could never really understand the attraction of partner exchanges or "open" lifestyles or, as the more cerebral of the movement refer to it, polyamory. Oh, sure, I am no stranger to adolescent fantasies, however, when we move through life with a drive-to-question, all our inquiries reach a final conclusion. Unless of course we fail to question our values and then we may move from body to body and never really ask "what is it I'm looking for?" such is the distraction of sex. With 25 yrs as a psychotherapist, I have been confidentially privy to discussions on every sexual deviation (what many call "perversions") known to mankind.

However, these sexual pastimes of consenting adults are deviant only because they break from the norm of the "usual" (statistically speaking). They are not deviant to the participant until the practices in some way impair the participant or others involved. Many sex practices can be compulsively consuming and addictive.

This brings me to polygamy, polyamory, "open relationships" or non-monogamy and partner exchange groups (Actually, polygamy is more related to marriage and is illegal in most states). It's interesting how individuals engaged in consensual sex with multiple partners often report that they are "practicing" polyamorists, thereby adding "love" to provide a sense of purity to what many see as deviant sex practices. In my humble opinion polyamory, or the combination of multiple sex and/or love partners is not necessarily deviant, but is a fraud and is simply an egoic device for which to sacralize sex by infusing it with conceptual love. Yet, in practice it rarely, if ever, meets such lofty standards. The idea that by "loving" many, through sexually engaging with many, somehow increases love in the world is absurd, particularly when we understand the dynamics of separate egos.

Lets suppose, for the sake of discussion, you chose to participate in multiple partner exhanges, open sexual relationships or "polyamory." This means that everyone you engage with would be in agreement. Yet, even under such consensual circumstances, your ego may not be a full participant primarily because you are unaware of your own ego dynamics.

The ego tends to make choices based on ego values and preferences. This is particularly evident with regard to sex. We all tend to have sexual preferences in partners or those who we find sexually appealing. Thus, in your multiple sexual dalliances you will tend toward sexual coupling with those who meet your preferences (many claim this is highly accentuated with males).

This could be problematic in that we make preferences based on what we feel is in some way advantageous to us. In fact, there is no denying that such ‘preferring' is often based on appearances and, yes,  even body parts, Thus, you may find yourself more inclined to prefer one partners ‘body' over another, (or even one's personality over another) in your multiple relationships and this ego dynamic cannot be denied as it is a natural predisposition. Needless to say, one of the multiple partners you engage with may prefer you, while you have no preference for them. The problem is that when preferences are incompatible, conflict will inevitably arise.

Essentially, the ego, (or "you") will no doubt seek to satisfy your preferences unless, and only if, you remove "love" from the scenario and restrict your participation to sex and only sex. Otherwise, eventually you will become a "victim of love" (of course, this is NOT really love but you will think it is) and will surrender your non-monogamous participation without a second thought. In fact, it may be some time before you actually become fully cognizant of your preference of one person or body over another, clearly negating your lofty goal of having numerous "love" partners.

Consensual non-monogamous relationships or open-marriages/relationships absolutely do NOT work this is because they are NOT really about relating intimately, but more about sexual combinations and chiefly engaged with the body. When non-monogamous relationships are considered, they always surround sexual activity. If you make a conscious decision to participate in sex with multiple partners under the banner of love, you are essentially deluding yourself.

But many might argue that there is more to sex than just foreplay and fornication. I would only contend that prior to and preceding the act of sex, the 'polyamorist' could be participating in some form of psycho-emotional intimacy. Yet, I imagine that those who have entered into a verbal agreement to engage in sex with multiple partners, most likely will dispose of anything (love) that interferes in that pastime (unless of course, as I illustrate above, it appears of its own accord, which then nullifies your goal of multiple love partners) . Why be intimate when the goal has already been determined and is thus finite. As I discussed in my previous posts on intimacy or deep understanding, the goal of authentic intimacy goes as deep as Spirit will allow which is, of course, infinite. One way we may deny that increased depth is through bodily compulsions, particularly with multiple bodies.

The point is that regardless of religious marital prescriptions and legal binding matrimonial contracts (who cares about them?), the union of two into ONE, has a Deep Spirit component that archetypally transcends all religion, all societal norms and prescriptions and, most importantly, all bodies. So how did the archetypal idea of deep unified Spirit get into our minds? I'll leave that question to your chosen spiritual path.

Clearly, current sexual preoccupations demonstrate that we have NOT evolved enough to enter into a deep unified spiritual relationship with the world (some, we call "masters," may have done so, if only briefly, since unfortunately many of them have eventually revealed their own sexuality issues). Thus, we must resign ourselves to the joyous engagement of deep spiritual union with another person so that the two may become ONE. Yet, this is only a preliminary step in the Universal Consciousness or Oneness that we all seek (whether we know it or not). Problem is, many have NOT evolved enough to engage with one, let alone intimately engage the world.

It seems that polyamorists or practitioners of non-monogamy may choose the many in fear of the ONE. However, this is not to deny that even those who choose monogamy over multiple partners somehow have greater access to Deep Spirit. It seems fear creates numerous obstacles exclusive to all forms of relating.

My blog posts on intimacy attempted to address the ‘deep understanding' (actual dictionary definition of "intimacy") between minds, and NOT bodies, that is the cornerstone of any spiritual path. But I do believe that until you join with one (even if briefly), the world will remain a distant place and will resist your evolution to "higher consciousness" and union with the universe.